Lost and Found on Facebook

"When you function with an open heart, the world and everything in it, belong to you."

It took my friend J, 23 years to find her, and in a sense, find redemption for a silly, immature thing that had transpired between them in college. "We have to look for her," he told me when I stayed at his home this week-end in Dublin, California. J said that he had spotted her at the public library close to his home a couple of years ago but at that moment had forgotten her name. And so I told him that if he had seen her there, in all probability, she was just living in close proximity to where he was.

We tried to recall where M.A. went to high school. We had all gone to the Ateneo for college and were classmates in our Freshman year in 1986. I told him I recall that she went to Teresiana and he said that I was probably right. My next step was to send an FB message to three of my contacts who had gone to the same high school, and ask them about her whereabouts. The wonderful thing about Facebook is that in an instant you can get a reply to your query, provided the answers are known. True enough, In less than 24 hours, P and Y got back to me with MA’s contact numbers!

“What do you want me to do with this while I am still here?” I asked J with a smile, as we both stared at the message that contained her contact numbers. The usually bubbly J, was stumped. I could see it in his brown eyes. He told me he had lived with the guilt of making her cry and was at that point in his life when he just wanted to make amends. I asked him what the fight was all about and he said that he couldn’t even remember. He could only still recall her tears and how terrible he must have made her feel that day.

“Let’s call her…” he said.

I dialed her number and after four rings, she picked it up. MA and I had been very close friends in college and she had been to my house several times. “Hello, MA, this is Cathy B from Ateneo do you still remember me…?” I said in a cheerful voice, all the while hoping that she would indeed remember. J was at my side, waiting with bated breath. There was a pregnant pause that seemed to last forever.

“Oh my God… Oh…my… God…IS this Cathy, the fair one from White Plains?” I had to giggle at her description. “Yes, it’s me!” I told her gleefully. “Oh my God.. How did you find me?” So I told her about the process we took to get her number and then proceeded to tell her about this friend of ours from college who wanted to make amends for something he did to her in school, almost 25 years ago. At that point I passed on the phone to J, who for some reason fell on his knees and started, immediately to apologize for his misdeed.

What a joy and a blessing it is to witness a reconciliation, to be present when people find one another again, or when they find one another for the first time. J is like a brother to me, I have known him since we were in pre-school at the neighborhood kindergarten. We grew up in the same village and my heart was bursting with joy to see him so happy and relieved. J had told me that he really felt awful for many years about the brash and immature way he had dealt with MA and he just wanted to say sorry for being such a terrible person.

It was agreed that we would meet at Peet’s Coffee in the San Ramon area at 11 o’clock the following day. I could see that J was just so excited to meet up with MA and he started planning for their meeting that evening -- to the point of bringing out our college yearbook "to help jog everyone’s memory," he explained. The next day, we left Dublin and made it to Peet’s at 10:45 AM. “Sobra ka naman, excited,” I ribbed him. “Better that we’re early, the least I can do is treat her to coffee…” he grinned while we waited outside Peet’s, chilly from the cool, crisp air that morning. However, at 11:06AM, MA still had not shown up and we started to grow antsy. I started to feel bad for J, hoping that MA would show up for his sake. I asked him if that was the only Peet’s in the area, so he went to ask the barista to ask if there was another branch close by. The barista said that there was another one 1.5 mile away and so we hurriedly drove off to check if MA was there.

In the car, I told J that from my experience, when reunions such as these take place, there was always some added element of suspense to it. I knew that from experience. Either there would be a snag somewhere, so much that plans change, or the other party gets lost too. I had just reunited with the sister of my best friend and it took us close to half an hour before we finally met up at a Cheesecake Factory in Pleasanton. “Ganyan, talaga, para mas exciting…” I told him as we drove to the other Peet’s. I could also see that he was getting worried and I started to pray silently that she would be there.

Unfortunately, she still wasn’t at the second Peet’s branch and so I said that maybe we should just go back to the first one and wait there. We drove back again, arrived at the original Peet’s at 11:35 AM and decided to just have coffee. In our excitement, we had both forgotten to write down MA's numbers so I asked him to call 411 and check to see if they were listed. After a few tense minutes, we got her on the line. “Hi MA, we’re here at Peet’s…” She asked what time we arrived and I told her that we had arrived at 10:45 and waited until about 11:07 AM. “Oh no, I got there at 11:10AM and stayed until 11:30,” she told us. Goodness, we had missed each other twice by a few minutes! It was a scene straight out of a Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks movie! I asked if she could still come over and she gladly obliged.

J was so happy at the turn of events and practically leapt out of his seat the minute MA finally stepped into Peet’s. He had waited so many years for this moment. You could see and feel it in the way that they hugged. We were so happy to finally see MA at last. Later on, as we began trading stories, about what had transpired in our lives over the last 25 years, we found many similarities. The moment was a golden one, like no space nor time had lapsed.

I’ve found many people through the years, but there are a few that I continue to search for. I wait for the day to re-unite with my best friend from high school who has seemingly vanished into the thin air. II've learned that if someone wishes to be found, the universe will conspire, and God will make it happen. But if that person is not meant to be found, yet, then no matter how hard you try, it will not be. In the meantime, I revel in the joy of having a front-row seat at the reconciliations that I have been made a part of and the many wonderful people I have found in the waiting.

"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention...a loving silence often has more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words." -- Rachel Naomi Remen

Sometimes words are not enough to describe the grandeur and majesty of a place.

In Yosemite, you realize and appreciate how small you are in the grand scheme of things. And yet, you remember too how HE cares for all creatures, great and small, and how every circumstance of our lives is in His control. I hope you enjoy the photos and the quotes that come with it. Yosemite was a time to renew my spirit, a place where I could look back on the road behind me with new eyes, and to plan for the road ahead filled with optimism and courage.

Thanks to my good friend Dan for making the trip possible.


"Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." - Viktor Frankl




"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all." -- Emily Dickinson



“Those who don’t love themselves as they are rarely love life either.” -- Rachel Naomi Remen


Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely... -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Easter Sundays of Our Lives

When I look back on the road that lead me to Dallas, I can't help but think of the many Good Fridays I had to live through and the Easter Sundays that God always provided me with afterwards.

I spent a quiet Easter week-end in Mt. Pleasant, Texas - a small, simple community, two and a half hours away from Dallas by car. In the company of good friends, M and P, a young couple building a life together here by themselves - away from family - I feel so close to the Lord who brought me here to this day, and this point in my life.

I've tried many things over the last decade or so, but none of them feels as right, as what I am attempting to accomplish on my stay here. I am here in Dallas to study and work on my certification to becoming a specialist in death, grief and bereavement studies and counseling. One of my closest girlfriends asked me "Why that? That's such a difficult job to do?!" I was reminded of what Sir Edmund Hillary ( the first man to conquer Mt. Everest) once said - "It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." And we fight each and every battle through the power of God's amazing grace - there's just no other way to do it.

Grief is a reality, an experience of loss can often overcome us if we do not have the right resources or support. I've seen it in my own life - when I lost my best friend at age 10, my grandmother when I was 12, my dad,all too suddenly when I was 16, and my 4-year old son when I was 33, and a fourth child to an ectopic pregnancy three years ago. I've seen it too in the lives of countless other individuals and families. So why do I choose to go on this path? For the simple reason that it is there, it is real and because I want to help people navigate that difficult road and make them believe that there is hope and possibly, an even more productive and deeper life after a loss. The Lord has provided me with His comfort and grace and I am confident that He will enable me and equip me with what I need to continue with this work and this ministry. The fact that I am here today, when six months ago, this was but a pipe dream, is a testament to His faithfulness, provisions and goodness, all the time, and an affirmation that at this point in my life's journey, this is exactly where he wants me to be.

How this grief journey of mine has evolved is the wonderful work of His hands - from Migi's Corner, to teach. How He has encouraged me, changed and molded me over the last few years, is beyond my understanding. I've been through hell and back in the last decade, not just once but several times - through many losses - not only through death, but in work, relationships, broken friendships and many other challenges. But no matter how many times I fell and grieved, He was always there to pick me up each time and oh how He has blessed me! It is the same kind of blessing and comfort now that I wish to pass on to others who are going, or will go through major life transitions. I remain steadfast in Him and remain in His flow, because I know from experience that His grace alone is sufficient if we are open to it, and how He has made everything in my life beautiful, in His time.

"Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6

I left my heart...

Arrived here this evening, in this most beautiful of cities by the bay.
I shall spend the night here before flying off to Dallas in the morning which marks the beginning of my big adventure. I'm still up, at close to midnight, but I need to get my shut-eye very soon.

My father always loved to talk about how beautiful San Francisco is, and rightly so.
Everytime I am here, I am blown away by its beauty and that is why I keep returning. It's a blessing to be here, even for a night. But, I'll be back real soon. For now, I'm headed to the Lone Star state for a little rest and some serious studying. Another adventure at mid-life begins. This time, it is in pursuit of something that I seriously want to do in the second half of life. I am here today because of God's abounding grace, and buouyed by the prayers and support of many dear friends who believe in the dream and in what I do and hope to do.

Join me for the journey. Stay tuned :)

Panglao, Bohol -- It took seven newly-minted high school graduates to help me find my muse. They say that the best way to discover a person’s true character is to take a trip with him or her. I say, that one of the best ways to navigate the tail-end of a midlife journey is to travel with a group of young 17 and 18 year old women to remind you of who you are truly meant to be.

I came here two years ago, all angsty then and in the throes of a full-blown mid-life crisis. I look back and smile on the journey that was.

Today, I’m here to chaperone seven young women, my daughter included, as they celebrate the end of their high school years with a trip to the sea and this lovely province of gentle, laid-back cultured people. This was exactly the kind of trip I would have wanted to take myself when I left high school except that times were different. My mother, then newly-widowed, would not hear anything of it.

Women have come a long way and younger women, more so, have become so much more empowered and independent. The irony of parenthood – you make sure to care for your children while they are young and vulnerable, but at a certain point, your duty as parent includes giving your children the wings to soar and fly while you watch them from the ground.

And this is how it’s been here over the last three days. I’ve been fully present but I don’t hover. I keep reminding myself that they are 17 and not 7. I text their mothers daily updates on our activities because being a mother myself, I would appreciate something like that. But generally, I keep to myself. Silently, I watch, checking in on them every now and then, making a mental headcount as they go off in groups of three or four, listening to their stories of heartache and joy without judging, and smiling to myself, remembering how it was when I was their age.

Girls today are made of tougher stuff. They excel in many fields that were once dominated by males only. As I watch these group of young women, I am glad to discover that they remain tender and soft in the places that matter. I watch in awe at their sisterhood, how they genuinely care and look after each other’s welfare and my heart is warmed. How freely they show sisterly affection towards one another, how generous they are with their praise of each other’s strength and yet gentle when there is a need to rebuke another. How engaged they are in the moment and how intelligent and deep their exchanges can be.

It has been said that midlife is like a second adolescence (hormones and all) and that’s exactly how it was for me over the last five years. In that sense, my life ran parallel to that of my daughter’s as I journeyed through my own crisis of sorts.

Yes, it has become more difficult to be a teen-ager, but also, there is a deeper well that they are able to draw from within. There is now a stronger knowledge and appreciation of the self, and a sisterhood or brotherhood that they can run to. As parents, it is important for us to show affirmation even when they are all-grown, and to know our children’s friends and know what they value and hold dear, during this stage in their life. I am thankful that my daughter has been blessed with a wide circle of support – a sisterhood that shares similar values, one that she can draw strength from when her parents aren’t around.

In that sense, her world today is much better than mine when I was her age, and I am grateful and at peace in knowing and experiencing that first-hand these last several days. To be honest, I was anxious about going on this trip – the burden of looking after seven 17 and 18 year old girls weighed on my shoulders. Then I watched and observed and learned to relax, to let go and enjoy the journey. As Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote – “If we are open and grateful for gentle lessons, new teachers will appear in our path. Serendipity can, after all, instruct us as much as sorrow.” And so as my daughter begins her adult life, I now begin the second half of mine.