Rainy Day Thoughts

puddle jumper
Originally uploaded by thee linen.

It was raining tomcats and bulldogs in Manila today.

By 430PM it was so dark and gloomy by the bay. Waves were crashing and the wind was blowing like crazy as I sat in traffic on the way home. Thank God I was color-coded (car was banned that day... in Manila, you can't take your car out on certain days) so I got to use the "tank" and our driver.

When you sit in traffic for an hour and a half you and you are blessed with a driver (one of my rare days) you have a great deal of time on your hands. I choose to catch up on my reading, answer my text messages which includes dropping a message or two to friends whom I haven't seen in a long while.

I like printing out articles from some of my favorite sites on the web and reading them at the end of the day. One of the sites I always check on on a daily basis is the health and healing page of Beliefnet. The website is so rich in inspiring material that feeds both your spirit and your mind. One of the articles I was reading today talked about EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

The writer quoted Ann Landers who paraphrased a Native American adage that summed up emotional maturity as such -- "The art of living in peace with that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which should be changed, no matter what it takes, and the wisdom to know the difference." I was struck by this passage because I actually keep a copy of The Serenity Prayer in my wallet and it expresses the exact same thoughts! My dad gave this to me a year before he died, when I was around 14 years old and I have prayed it ever since.

Emotional maturity, the writer says, really begins at home. Being a parent I am very conscious of this I realize how much our own childhood is affected by the emotional maturity of OUR own parents. "If many of us fall short of these noble attributes, it is because we grew up in less than ideal circumstances. No one is born mature; our emotional development is shaped by our parents and life experiences. Mature parents who recognize, validate and love their child for who he or she is and are fulfilled in their own lives rear mature children. The author then quotes Dr. Martha Stark, a psychiatrist and Harvard Medical school faculty member - "I think parents who have been able to find and realize their own dreams are the best parents of all, as long as their dream includes understanding and loving their own children."

Some of the marks of Emotional Maturity are as follows :
1. The ability to know what you want and the capacity to make it happen
2. Self-control and thinking before you act
3. Self-reliance and the ability to take responsibility for your life and actions.
4. Patience
5. Generosity and the desire to give and be there for others
6. Integrity
7. Decisiveness
8. Humility and the ability to admit when you're wrong.

One would think that maturity comes naturally with age. I beg to disagree. And even Dr. Stark says that she has many patients in their 30s and 40s who come to her "tormented", depressed and unhappy because they have not really "self-actualized". I have known some very mature and insightful 25 year olds and some terribly immature and self-absorbed 40 year olds. Life experience plays a major role in this. self-awareness, and yes, upbringing and the "wounds" we carry from childhood are very much included in the equation. But one cannot really go on blaming one's parents for what has been done. Perhaps, they were only doing the best that they could at that time. The important thing is to recognize the shortcomings and be pro-active in doing something about improving yourself. Emotional maturity is a legacy that you will be passing on to your children, so for their sake and yours, it would be best to finally, "get your act together."

So how does one get his or her act together? Stark says psychotherapy is very helpful. I for one advocate psychotherapy. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where the greater majority (no matter how educated) still frowns on going to therapy. "By making peace with your past you move to a place of inner serenityand acceptance and no longer spend so much time fighting, suffering and struggling," Stark says. She also suggests group and community activities that foster creativity, collaboration and empowerment can be very transforming - it helps one gain confidence, develop new skills and learn to work cooperatively with others. Lastly, she says that helping others is a time-honored way of transcending one's difficulties and experience the satisfaction of service. "Getting beyond yourself is a step towards gaining the perspective that leads to accepting the attitude of a mature adult." One can best go beyond the self, by first knowing and loving the self.

To close, I want to end with a quote from a co-blogger, Darlene Schact, who is the mother hen of Christian Women Online. In her "In Other Words" entry yesterday she spoke of how important it is to truly love oneself -- "God has given us a gift so great, yet often overlooked--ourselves. If I could give one piece of advice as a woman, it’s this--get to know and like her.

Go for walks alone, go for drives, meditate and learn to enjoy your own company because in the end, she’s the one who will be there to sit with you when you hold your first grandchild, stand up for you when the world is against you, and hold your hair when your throwing up--she’s God's wonderful gift of a friend."