Mean Girls and Queen Bees

"For some girls, popularity is magical. Popularity conveys an illusory sense of power. Some girls think that if they can achieve it, all their problems will disappear." - From "Queen Bee's and Wannabe's" by Rosalind Wiseman

I've had my own share of mean girls in my life.
I went to a Catholic exclusive girls school in the 70s and early 80s and some years were tougher than others. I knew how it felt to be part of a popular group and part of a, well, not-so popular one. In girl's schools, "cliques" are so pervasive and powerful. In the teen-age years, one's whole social life and self-esteem (not to mention, reputation) seems dependent on who you hang out and have lunch with. In my time, put-downs were so common-place and unless you were praising "one of your own", compliments and kind words about others were not the usual order of the day. I believe it was more difficult for us, who were members of the "honors class" because competition was pretty tough. Everyone seemed so guarded back then and when I recall the side remarks and gossip that I was privy to (and guilty of indulging in!) back then, it makes my hair stand.

Fast forward twenty-five years later and some things haven't changed. And now the situation has become even worse! It's harder to be a teener now than it was two decades ago. Mean-ness has been elevated to a higher "art form". Yesterday's events in my family was a classic example. I knew it was bound to happen because P had been complaining about it for close to a week. P was terribly depressed and disgruntled because she had a "showdown" with the queen bees in her class. She had spent two hours in the guidance office letting off steam. The class queen bee had been harrassing her and snapped at her and she had, had enough and so she bit back. My daughter is made of tougher stuff than I was when I was her age. However, it is painful for a mother to witness one of her own getting the brunt of the "bullying" so to speak. And, there's at least 25 years between us so what may seem petty to me, is a big deal for someone her age. Through her tears though, she had the sense to remember that in the scope of world events nowadays her battle was a small one. "There's a war raging in Lebanon and a tsunami and an earthquake just rocked Indonesia and here I am sulking over some self-absorbed prima donna!"
Queen Bees usually act up because they are not happy with their life and they are in search of control. In the teen years it's usually because they have a screwed up life at home. Or that they crave the attention because they aren't getting any from their parents. Grown-up mean girls on the other hand, usually have turmoil somewhere in their lives - either professionally of personally. Some of the things and habits we have grown accustomed to in adolescence, we carry with us into womanhood. I've met some pretty mean 40 year olds and it's really sad to see that they haven't grown out of it. This is not to say that one can never change because one can if only one becomes aware of the "evil" that lurks in one's hear and what it is that motivates us the mean behavior.

I had read Rosalind Wiseman's Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence when P wasn't a teener yet. The book intrigued me primarily because I had a daughter and I myself was "victim" of many a mean girl in my youth and in my professional life. Hmmm... now that I remember, I should have read this book a year ago when I was working very closely with the mother of all Queen Bee's in my previous work place. I digress...

I decided to refer to the book again last night to seek some wisdom that I could impart to my distraught 15 year old. Wiseman says in her book - "Girls are often their own and other girls' worst enemies, and for some, the rivalry defines their adolescence. I have watched time after time as a sweet, intelligent girl plots another girl's humiliating downfall." It certainly is difficult to be on the receiving end of a plot, but better to be that, than the plotter. It is the "clique" or in local language, the barkada system, that fosters this kind of "oppression" if you can call it that. Wiseman defines cliques as " a platoon of soldiers who have banded together to navigate the perils and insecutities of adolescence. There is a chain of command and they operate as on in their interaction wit the environment. Group cohesion is based on unquestioned loyalty to the leader and an us-versus-the-world mentality."

Perhaps it's because P began to question some of the decisions within the "platoon" that earned her the ire of the queen bee. When one rocks the boat, everything gets unsettled. Once again I was reminded of a younger self and how (well, to this day actually..) I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer. I like joining groups but was never "officially" a part of any one group. This recent experience will surely teach P the values of friendship, support, understanding and privilege. Hopefully she will emerge a stronger and wiser person and one imbued with more compassion for those who choose to be on the outside looking in, the ones who opt not to get sucked into the fray of the queen bees.